2018... Im gonna kick your fucking ass!

Its here Its really here...

The past few years of my life like most people has had several difficulties. Its been shitty to be quite frank. Battling through the highs and lows of life, I have learned quite a bit about myself. College did not prepare me nor teach me the greatest lessons only life could do that. All that education just to learn that I don't know shit which has been a much needed wake up.

Towards the end of my senior year of college I had no clue about life. I had no clue what I wanted to do or even who I was as a person. For so long I identified as an athlete but that inevitably came to an end in 2012. Kicking it with this campus police officer he made being a cop look ideal. He told me about an opening and I applied. Somehow, I got that job and was probably the youngest cop in Spokane county at the very least the darkest. 

At first, I was proud to be an officer but in the academy or brainwashing school as I like to call it I saw that it wasn't that glamorous. As I studied and studied; I saw nothing but traps. Traps designed to lead mostly black people and poor people to be incarcerated; leaving families broken. Well no shit right? Well when you see that the real criminals, who often wear badges or robes or suits can't be arrested because you were actually hired to protect them and their shit, it kind of fucks with you. To be honest it left me, helpless. 

After I graduated from the Police Academy I knew that the fight was bigger than me. I knew I was in no position to affect what I mentioned earlier. So I did as I was taught by a coach of mine and took control of what I could. I could use my authority justly and not let my badge get to me. I could use the opportunities given to educate citizens about the law instead of arresting them which is what I was encouraged to do; at least I thought. 

In reality, I would have gotten more praise for the more arrests I got. The more tickets I wrote the better I would have been received in my department and city but that wasn't the case. I could go more into depth but my book, Peace Officer, will tell you all you need to know about why and how I was forced out of policing. 

Towards the end of my time as an officer I wanted to quit. Newly married I wanted a divorce. I was changing. I learned about my purpose in life after a meditation and I knew it had nothing to do with a badge or my wife. The universe granted my wish and I was given the opportunity to walk away from law enforcement; but after being so committed to the strong relationship I had built I chose to stick that out for as long as the universe would allow.

I started walking in the direction of my purpose. What was suppose to stay, stayed. What was supposed to go, left. It started off great; I was working with the youth, giving speeches, performing at events and doing everything that I envisioned. I was volunteer of the year at one school, most inspirational educator at another and was able to meet and learn from so many different youth. As my influence and notoriety in my community began to increase the resentment from my colleagues also began to rise. It was no different than when I was a cop; people hate to see influential black people shine. Particularly black males, which is why we need our own shit.

In the schools and my mentoring program I expected my magic to just work; which is the wrong approach to mentorship FYI. I blamed the youth for their problems in school until I saw it wasn't their fault. The education and justice systems in place fails our kids over and over again daily. Those who are put in place to run such systems make a whole lot of money to hire people just like me; passionate as shit and who would do this for free to basically do just that, knowing we have no real impact. We are bandaids to shotgun wounds and our babies are bleeding out. 

In 2016, I slowly but surely headed to and hit rock bottom. Despite my rapport amongst those I choose to serve; the people who was cutting my check hated me. Every program I had was taken away and anything I tried to do in the community and schools was derailed. I got kicked out on my ass and it crushed me. I put all my eggs in one basket which was a mistake. Instead of trying to bounce back like real ones do, I felt sorry for myself and made excuses. I pointed the finger like ALL BLACK MEN have the right to do but I failed to do something about it. Like so many of us I didn't know how. 

 I felt like a failure to those kids and was in a bad place mentally and spiritually. Many would have thought I was strong by how I present myself and the knowledge I possess and you can't forget my smile. No, I was in a very dark and depressing place and behind that smile was a soul that was lost and broken. My mother sent me to visit my aunt our family historian where she and I studied for two weeks. She taught me about my family, my ancestry, my roots and she confirmed my calling to those I serve now and those I will raise in the future. She revived me; resurrecting my broken spirt. Everything truly does happen for a reason. 

Enriched by my experience I was still broke in the physical however and couldn't provide for those who needed me. I kept grinding and continued to mentor and following my vision. I  started personal training while finishing my first book. I formed a partnership with an old friend who pulled me off my ass; encouraging me to keep pushing and fighting and he helped me overcome a lot of battles. 

I was inbetween the gym and the few youth I still mentored. At times they would be looking out for me and wouldn't know it. I remember hanging with a youth of mine and I had nothing to offer but sound advice and encouragement. He didn't know about my situation but I did and I felt like shit. He asked me to take him to Taco Bell and of course I say yes but without the ability to treat him like I always have. He treated me and gave me a meal that otherwise wouldn't have been had. I thank him and all the others I work with as well as my mother, business partners and girlfriend (I had at the time) for holding me up when I felt down. You all saved my life.

In 2017, my bounce back got better like the real negus I am. I started working with a non-profit and was again in another position to be effective for those I serve. Being there this last year I have regained my confidence and ambitions. I now see clearer what many people tried to hide from me. 

I wrote all of that to end with this: It's not where you start and it's really not about where you finish. Life is about how you ride the waves to your destination. The process. I have come to love my process after seeing the ugly side of it. I needed everything I went through. I needed to be knocked off my pedestal and tossed to the wolves. I needed humility because that is the key to growth.

Watch out 2018, I wasn't supposed to make it this far; I am not supposed to be still standing but here I am.

Evan CookComment