Its Been A minute
It has been a minute since I have last blogged but let me check in. This year has been one for the ages. So much growth that I cant be anything but grateful. Since March I have been able to learn more about myself which is really good. I learned I need to blog more and really share with you all my thoughts... well maybe not all but majority.
There has been a lot of changes within for me. I have sought out my soul again and found it dwelling among the abyss. It frightened me because I have seen a lot of death I wondered and often felt as if I were next. In the process I engaged in unhealthy behaviors to cope and didn't realize it until I found my reflection in the bathroom mirror on a drunk night. I was disgusted yet couldn't do anything but laugh to convince myself I didn't need to cry. That ego thing again lol it always flares up when we need it the least. I turned out the lights and continued to stare and it was in total darkness where I found my soul how did I get here I wondered.
I realized I was missing my purpose; honestly I had forgotten it. Inky Johnson a former football player and now motivational speaker said "you don't burn out cause of what you do. You burn out cause life makes you forget why you do it". This was true for me and still is to some extent. I was burnt out at the end of 2017 and given how this year started I am beyond burnt out. Close people around me would check in and I would say I am fine but really wasn't sure..
I was working so hard that I was forced to take a vacation to process all of the loss and grief over the past several months and I was reluctant to go. My mind is such a positive one but at this time I wasn't a positive person. I have given up on love after broken heart later and if I get one more phone call regarding tragedy I would be sure to give up on life as well.
While on vacation I attended this training for youth leadership. It was my first training without my team so my plan was to act like I didn't exist as I write poetry in the back. Automatically I am drawn in as soon as I hit the door. A journal that said "quiet the mind and the soul will speak". This stood out to me as and I just knew that journal was for me. I grab it and find a seat where I would feel comfortable enough to zone out and write. After being about one or two poems in I found myself drawn into conversation. This group of young leaders were so inspirational I had no choice but to come out of my shell and speak. With their encouragement and support I was able to make new friends, find new opportunities to serve an a different capacity to lead. I had found my voice. I had also found my passion again but I learned something even more important; I had to heal.
Healing is such a big part in transformation and more so leadership. When working with people one must realize we are operating in a broken society and sometimes being around so many broken people and systems one may forget they are broken. "Hurt people Hurt people" A phrase that is oh so true. I have caused my share of pain and I believe its why I had to face the pain I did so that I could feel the pain I caused. Not because I am a bad person and deserve it but so that I can heal and help others heal.
After my training I set out to the San Juan Islands where I knew I had to figure some things out internally. I held on to that notebook because in it lies my pain. I am letting go I decided; and giving all the worry, guilt, shame and pain to the universe. First I had to reflect and see what all had to go and see what all I needed to let go of. What was I holding on to? I took all of my ex wives cards and wedding pictures, as well as anything I owned from my ex girlfriend old friends or old clothes. I packed it in my car and headed out.
I spent the first day in LaConner hanging with a friend I had made at the conference. That night I went to Anacortes but missed the last ferry and settled for a night out waking up in my car in a random alley. With my head pounding I go and grab breakfast, coffee and set out to see some Orcas at the San Juan Islands.
Along my trip I would write about everything and used what I saw as inspiration for starting different poems. I used this as a way to try and write about happy things and not sad but pain and trauma would come as well as hope and faith. I am Lost but don't want to be found for my journey is my own and I learned I must take life as it comes and make the most of it.
After sitting up for hours writing poems and looking for Orcas I fell asleep to a baby eagle learning to fly. I dreamed I am that eagle learning to spread my wings and I was flying through life. When I awoke I wandered around the park then realized I had to do my damn laundry so I left. I went back to the city and hung out until it was time to go onto the letting go phase. I went and bought firewood and different things and then found a spot on a hidden beach next to a lake. It was just me and I knew it was time to let go.
I started my fire as well as my ceremony to bless the space and the process I was about to endure. Who knew getting rid of your exes things would be difficult but I did it. I walked away forgiven and forgiving those who I have wronged and those who have wronged me. I know that's one of the first steps to healing. As I was walking away from the beach back to my car I felt as if something were behind me. I would pause to see if I could hear or see anything but nothing was there but I felt as if something or someone and they were getting close. I pick up my pace to my car looking back seeing nothing but feeling the anxiety of being pursued by an entity or energy of some sort. I was able to get to my car and hop in and I felt like I dodged something but felt like a punk for running.
I got dinner and hopped on the last ferry out. It was time to go home my job there was done. I didn't see no Orcas but I forgave myself and felt better at least. The journey didn't stop after that. I headed out east after being called by an energy and blessed by time I went out on another journey this time to learn patience. I was taken to these garden of Buddahs and was grateful to be in a peacful and quiet setting.
The greatest lesson for me came when I went to glacier national park. I was contemplating patience, love and forgiveness but all around me was stillness. The mountain was still. The trees were still and so was the water. The water was so still the reflection of the mountain was so vivid I knew I had to be like that water deep down in my soul if I were to ever experience peace. I learned that to tap into patience is to be still as I pondered and begin to write. After my trip there it was time to go back to work.
Since being back at work I have realized you cant heal over night. Pain reveals itself when you are able to handle it. Life is an internal battle but I externalized all of my enemies. The only enemy is self. My healing hasn't stopped but from this journey I am able to see who and what I want for myself and future and wont settle until I get it and neither should you. Thanks for reading.