Soul Search within a Body that you hate

Being vulnerable is not easy, telling others my truth has never been something I have ever been comfortable. There are women who share their body image stories and I cry saying ‘me too’. However, while I am on this road to healing and recovery I’m bringing you on this ride with me. This is going to be honest and humbling look into my life.

I am 36 years old, a wife, a stepmother, and a black woman trying to encourage the community to make different and healthier choices within their mental health. About 5 months ago, I was sitting in my doctor’s office talking about my surgery that was coming up when my doctor looked at me and asked when I was going to start trying for a baby. I looked at this woman and told her when I lost 100 pound.

At that moment in time, I weighed 400+ pounds. I have been heavy my whole life and I have just continued to increase in weight as I aged. My doctor, god bless her, stated that if I wanted to have a baby we needed to start trying now. Which meant that I needed to start eating as if I was pregnant, start taking progesterone and start working out at least 3 days a week.

From the age of 18 until now, I have had 13 miscarriages so I went into panic mode and started eating healthier, taking vitamins, looking for a fertility doula and reading books about plus size pregnancies. I added myself to every Facebook group I could think of some for women of color and some for women who struggle with infertility. I did not look at the trauma around how I ate and how I associated my life with food. How when I looked in the mirror I saw an obese woman with sad eyes who did not think she had anything to offer the world.

I started progesterone in the month of January. According to my doctor, if you do not have a period you just keep taking the medication. The first few weeks were brutal; I cried at dog pictures, I raged at my co-workers for breathing wrong at me. Every time I tasted food, I wanted to throw up and hated the smallest odors. I could smell ketchup from our bedroom to our living room and I would make my husband wash the dishes because what kind of monster would want to eat ketchup (apparently my husband). This lasted until late February and after all that still no baby. I stopped taking my medication and became depressed. I stopped trying to watch what I was eating and gave up.

In March, I started looking for a health coach that can support me with my weight loss goal. I found a woman who said if I just take this course, I would lose the weight I wanted for the small price of $1500.00. This woman then told me she was not in it for the money but for the support. If I believed in myself enough I would find a way to do this with her. It would only include weekly phone calls and some homework. I could not afford that nor did I feel comfortable to start that journey with her. I declined the offer and continued the search for a health coach.

Instagram is a beautiful place because a girlfriend of mine sent me Soljourney’s page in a private message. Lotus created this 13-week program to heal from past trauma that have been keeping you in the space of brokenness. Within the 13 weeks, you can identify and start the process of healing so you can start living the life that you would like to live. I at first could not afford her services but she was able to work with me and make the price of her program accessible. She is truly about helping her community heal.

To describe Lotus is like trying to describe the sun or the moon in intricate detail. Her spirit is what first attracted me to her; it was as if her spirit was telling mine to find peace. My spirit bonded to hers as if I found a place of sisterhood. I have not met her in person and only seen pictures at this point in our relationship. I saw kindness in her dark brown eyes; her skin reminded me of a soft buttery caramel. Her dreads creating a crown, which signified her queendom to the world that does not always see black women as such. Her beauty was nothing like I have ever seen because what radiated out of the picture was a woman who was evolving for her own growth and she wanted to share that journey with others.

She wanted to share her journey with me.

I am ready to start breaking down the walls and start feeling again. I am ready to embark on this journey of self-discovery. I now want to look at my past and start healing the generational trauma that has been passed down from my great great great grandmother, to my great great grandmother, to my great grandmother, grandmother, mother, than to myself. I am going to heal the hurts that have kept my family in bondage. As an adult, the only person I can blame for staying this way is myself.

~ Linsay Irene

Edited by: Leanna Hanika 4/29/2019