Soul Searching in a Body You Hate. Writing always makes it real
I am a poet, a writer of stories and a woman who was destined to tell her truth through words. I started writing when I was about 10 years old. I saw my mom writing and perfecting her craft as a poet. I started writing in a journal about how my parents’ divorce affected me. Then it turned into me trying to write music lyrics. I wanted to be the next Whitney Huston or join the Mickey Mouse club so I could be next to Justin Timberlake. Then it become about turning my poetry into evidence and a pillar in my reality so no one could twist my experiences.
I have been trying to write this blog for the last week with the expectation that I would know how to speak my truth. After wrestling with it, I realized that I couldn’t because for a long time I was conditioned to think that my truth was not valid or valued. I grew up questioning if what I had experienced as a child was just my imagination or was it really a part of me. As a result of this, even as an adult, I am easily manipulated. When I am wounded I bury my pain and cover it with not eating or binge eating. This is how I am able to maintain control over my emotions to not feel.
I see speaking my truth as if I am sitting on a cliff; behind me is safe and I am surrounded by soft tall green grass, the kind of grass you want to take your shoes off and frolic in (Yes, I used frolic). Hidden behind the grass there is a crystal blue lake. You can see the bottom but looks are deceiving because you don’t know how far it truly goes. Below me, I can see clouds, the clouds are a dark grey and they are the storm clouds that you look at and run into a safe, warm place. I can stay in this safe place that I have created or I can leap, not knowing where the bottom is and not knowing what storms will come with revealing pieces of me that have been hidden. I am going to jump into the unknown and I know that storms are going to come, but just like a diamond, that is part of evolution.
Here is a piece of my truth that not many know. I stopped writing for most of my adult life because words make my reality real. I hide behind being fat as a way to not only repel people from me but as a way to kill myself. I have not always felt I should be a part of this earth and I don’t have much to offer. I am scared to be alone but I continue to let toxic people into my life because of my safe place. I am scared to make friends and for them to see the dead wood that has been hidden within me for so long. I am scared of rejection and so if I am in a crowd I will leave early or I will hide in a corner. I have tread over myself for the sake of feeling love and acceptance.
In the new truth I am creating I am beautiful!
I have the right to feel loved and love others. As I am healing the temple that is my body I have the right to tell myself that I am enough. It is time to be comfortable with the uncomfortable. The gift that I share with others is sacred and no one can take that away from me. My words are powerful and they are meant to be shared. The power of writing these word are not only healing to myself but they will heal someone else. One day soon I will stand in front of women and share a part of myself that is completely whole, hoping that they find healing themselves.
My brokenness doesn’t define me and what I can contribute to the community I serve. I want to share the secret part of me that was locked away in the hole that was so dark that I couldn’t find my way out. I crawled on my hands and knees with blood, scrapes, and broken bones just hoping to make it out alive.
As I crawl out I see a hand reaching for me telling me that there is healing, I am healing.
Lotus and I have been working on meditation and letting go of some of my past trauma. As I uncover each layer of myself, I am learning how to process who I am as a woman and as a person. How to be okay with sharing parts of myself with others and be vulnerable. Lotus gives me a safe space to recognize who I want to become with who I am in the present form. She has been encouraging me to walk and has made it a priority to walk with me. I have said in my past blog that she is truly about healing her community. I encourage you if you ever get the opportunity to work with her, to join her tribe. it would be an experience you will never forget.
Woman must not accept; she must challenge.
She must not be awed by that which has been built up around her;
she must reverence that woman in her which struggles for expression.
~ Margaret Sanger
~ Linsay Irene
Edited by: Leanna Hanika 5/21/2019